Saturday, January 30, 2010
The Importance of Chocolate
There are things on Earth that could be nothing else than a miracle. I am speaking of course of chocolate. Melty, crumbly, dark, milk, orange flavored...whatever. Chocolate is amazing. For me, chocolate is the all purpose cure. Whether I'm sick, having a bad day, got a bad grade on a test, need to celebrate a good grade on a test, or I'm just hungry, chocolate always satisfys. In all its forms, choclate is the most wonderful thing ever created. There is nothing like coming home from a long day of work, walking in the door, and having your husband surprise you with a big beautiful bar of Lindt dark chocolate truffle, then snuggling up on the couch and devouring one divine piece after another while watching Project Runway. That my friends, is bliss. If you're having a hard time, don't wait, get yourself some chocolate.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The Importance of Date Night
So my husband and I have established a sort of tradition where every Monday night we make dinner together, trying a recipe that we've never made before, and then getting a movie from red box and watching it while we sample our cuisine. We do this, not only to spend time with each other, but to keep ourselves from getting into a slump and preparing the same dishes every week because they're easy (mom...just kidding...you know I love you). We figure this way, by the times we have kids, we will have expanded our repertoire enough that the kids will never have trouble choosing something for dinner. Anyway, this last Monday, we made the most amazing chicken pot pie, along with individual chocolate melting cakes. Yum. But, no matter how wonderfully flaky the pie crust is, or how deliciously satisfying the cakes are, I will always enjoy the time I spend with my husband most of all. There is something that is just so special about working together on something. It creates a bond that I don't think we'd be able to form anyway else. And we work so well together to. He makes the crust while I make the filling, he whips the eggs while I melt the chocolate, he does the dishes while I serve the food. It just brings to mind how much easier things become when you have a partner to help you, especially when that partner knows what to do before you ask him. I think this is something important to remember in all aspects of our lives. For the longest time, I believed that I had to overcome all my trials and weaknesses on my own. But having such a wonderful partner and help-meet has made me realize that we need to face everything in the world together, no matter what it is. With both of us and the Lord shouldering the load, everything is so much easier to bear...and we have more time to think about what recipe to try tonight.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Keeping An Eternal Perspective
Awareness of eternity affects our decisions. The more clearly we see eternity, the more obvious it becomes that the Lord's work in which we are engaged is one vast and grand work with striking similarities on each side of the veil...If we live in such a way that the considerations of eternity press upon us, we will make better decisions.
Family is Forever
Not many of us, as faulty human beings, can honestly say there is nothing we regret. I know that I personally have lost many hours of sleep when I just couldn't make my brain shut up and I was plagued by things I wish I could have done differently, or things I wish I hadn't done at all. For instance, my first boyfriend...now THAT was a mistake. Or they time I ate a whole package of Oreo's to myself. But the reality is, we learn from our mistakes, and in the end, we are better for them. Still, with every mistake we make, there is the chance that someone we love might get hurt, and therein lies the most regret. So, while I wish I hadn't eaten those Oreo's, or decided to ride a bike in platform shoes, I wish most of all that I hadn't broken my sister's trust, made my dad think he was a poor father, or reminded my brother of his mistakes instead of acknowledging my own. And what really amazes me, is that after all that, my family still loves me. That to me, is a great blessing. And so, while I might lay awake at night cringing at the thought of what I said to my mom that one time, on the day when that one thing happened, she probably doesn't even remember it. At the very least, she has completely forgiven me. So thank you mom...thank you to everyone in my family. And hopefully, now that I'm "mature," you won't have as many sleepless nights.
The Reality Is....
Its amazing how often an experience comes along that humbles us and opens our eyes to the world just a little bit more. It is human nature to focus and dwell on our own problems, turning ourselves inward in the hope of finding a solution. Yet, when we really look around, we see that there is always someone whose suffering is worse than our own. Yesterday, I received the news from my mother-in-law that a very good friend of the family is fighting a battle with cancer. Suddenly, my troubles seem so small...
Everyone Goes Psycho Once in Awhile....Right?
I think everyone deserves to have a day once in awhile where they are free to scream out there frustrations, rave like a lunatic, and throw things against the wall...or the floor, whichever is harder. Well, I think I've filled my crazy day quota for the year. Last night, after a particularly emotional rollercoaster of a day, I cracked after my husband chose the worst time possible to tell me that my sister in law was pregnant. After being married only FIVE MONTHS!! Remember in my previous post how I admitted that having struggles getting pregnant made it especially hard for me to share in the celebration when some one else was blessed with their own little bundle of joy?...Yeah well....I gave birth to the huge green monster of jealousy. I may or may not have broken a few things...and torn up a few things...and gone on a destructive rampage. If I did, you'll never know. Of course, afterward I cried over the things I ruined in my moment of "out of mind craziness." Isn't that what always what happens? You get mad, you break something, you cry about it, you get mad at how rash you were, you break something else.... Of course after a while I calmed down, and my husband much to my surprise still loved me...and was kind enough to crack a couple jokes about what had just happened. Laughing always makes me feel better. I find nothing soothes hurt better than a good long laugh. It's the best way to break up fights to. There you are, fighting with your husband, when someone passes gas to punctuate what they thought was going to be an arguement winning remark. After that, its all giggles, and "I love you," and make up...stuff. Works every time. But back to my sister in law being pregnant thing. I am now calm enough to offer my genuine congratulations, and also to apologize for letting my jealousy ruin what should have been exciting news. If you read this, I am sorry, and I love you. Congratulations hun, I know you will make an amazing mama!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Missing Out On Motherhood
If you are a woman who has spent your life imagining what it would be like to have a child, then you know how exciting it is when you finally decide that you are ready to make that leap. You are finally prepared to put yourself second. You are willing to make a child the number one priority in life. You are ready to get pregnant.
If you are a woman who has tried and tried and who has been unable to conceive, then you also know the veritable barrage of emotions that you encounter — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.
As a 21 year-old woman I have been married for almost two years to a wonderful man. I can hardly remember a time when I didn’t want to have children with him. I cannot remember a time at all, for that matter, when I didn’t daydream about being a mother. I feel very strongly that we are all on this planet for a very specific reason and I have always thought that my reason was being a mother.
Every woman in my family is like a fertility machine. They get pregnant the first time they try. They get pregnant every time they try. Imagine my surprise when after a year of trying I still wasn’t pregnant.
You might not think about it often, but it’s a relative shot in the dark. It is amazing how many people get pregnant unexpectedly, actually. It has to happen one of three or four specific days which are often hard to pinpoint for many women.
Frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the one time they have unprotected sex while I’m doing everything ever suggested by doctors, old wives tales, myths, and the woman down the street who has eight kids?
When you spend a year trying to conceive and are unable, it is often considered an early sign of infertility. You (and your partner) are then subjected to every test under the sun, most of which involve full or partial nudity in front of one or more people, often with legs spread in a very compromising position.
For many, these tests reveal very little. Some slight hormonal imbalances, a “barely” low count here or there. These things all result in orders to eat better, lose weight, and are more likely than not accompanied by some sort of medication that will throw your body into complete turmoil — in my case, starvation tempered by the fact that the sight of food makes me sick. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Oh, and did I mention the constant nausea?
Another year goes by. I start to feel guilty. My husband and I have always planned to have children. The doctors believe it is likely something in my body causing the problem. As a woman, if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.
With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.
One of my best friends becomes pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for her and extremely bitter. Her baby shower is torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for her, I feel like a heinous person for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, including myself.
The kicker of all of this? Stress, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem.
So here we are, almost two years with no results. I am on the cusp of having exploratory surgery to see if there is something being missed. Fertility treatments are not an option for us, two poor college students. Adoption would be wonderful… five years down the road after we can save up the $25,000+ that it would take.
It would be nice for this to have a happy ending like me writing in all bold letters “I’m pregnant!” I’m not. But, I can say that taking the time to explore the virtual tidal wave of emotions that I’ve gone through, and am still experiencing, has made them much easier to weather.
That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate. I urge every woman or couple out there to do the same. Talk to each other. Talk to someone else. Write a blog. Whatever you do, know you are not the only one, even if it feels just that way.
If you are a woman who has tried and tried and who has been unable to conceive, then you also know the veritable barrage of emotions that you encounter — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.
As a 21 year-old woman I have been married for almost two years to a wonderful man. I can hardly remember a time when I didn’t want to have children with him. I cannot remember a time at all, for that matter, when I didn’t daydream about being a mother. I feel very strongly that we are all on this planet for a very specific reason and I have always thought that my reason was being a mother.
Every woman in my family is like a fertility machine. They get pregnant the first time they try. They get pregnant every time they try. Imagine my surprise when after a year of trying I still wasn’t pregnant.
You might not think about it often, but it’s a relative shot in the dark. It is amazing how many people get pregnant unexpectedly, actually. It has to happen one of three or four specific days which are often hard to pinpoint for many women.
Frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the one time they have unprotected sex while I’m doing everything ever suggested by doctors, old wives tales, myths, and the woman down the street who has eight kids?
When you spend a year trying to conceive and are unable, it is often considered an early sign of infertility. You (and your partner) are then subjected to every test under the sun, most of which involve full or partial nudity in front of one or more people, often with legs spread in a very compromising position.
For many, these tests reveal very little. Some slight hormonal imbalances, a “barely” low count here or there. These things all result in orders to eat better, lose weight, and are more likely than not accompanied by some sort of medication that will throw your body into complete turmoil — in my case, starvation tempered by the fact that the sight of food makes me sick. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Oh, and did I mention the constant nausea?
Another year goes by. I start to feel guilty. My husband and I have always planned to have children. The doctors believe it is likely something in my body causing the problem. As a woman, if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.
With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.
One of my best friends becomes pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for her and extremely bitter. Her baby shower is torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for her, I feel like a heinous person for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, including myself.
The kicker of all of this? Stress, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem.
So here we are, almost two years with no results. I am on the cusp of having exploratory surgery to see if there is something being missed. Fertility treatments are not an option for us, two poor college students. Adoption would be wonderful… five years down the road after we can save up the $25,000+ that it would take.
It would be nice for this to have a happy ending like me writing in all bold letters “I’m pregnant!” I’m not. But, I can say that taking the time to explore the virtual tidal wave of emotions that I’ve gone through, and am still experiencing, has made them much easier to weather.
That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate. I urge every woman or couple out there to do the same. Talk to each other. Talk to someone else. Write a blog. Whatever you do, know you are not the only one, even if it feels just that way.
Finding Strength in Adversity
Life, wonderful as it is, is full of adversity. Whether you struggling financially, nursing a broken heart, mourning the loss of a loved one, upset at the loss of a good friend, or simply feeling the blues, we all need someone to turn to at one point or another. A helping hand, a loving embrace, the simple knowledge that somebody cares. As a struggling college student, I've know my share of adversity, and though my troubles are small compared to some, I also feel that need to reach out. It is for this reason that I have decided to start a blog. With it I hope to not only get some of my frustrations out on paper, but also reach out to those who may be experiencing the same things I am, and hopefully, provide a listening ear.
I suppose I should start by introducing myself. My name is Lynda M. Freeman and I am a junior at Brigham Young University. I am currently living in Provo, UT with my husband of almost of almost two years, Dallas. For the moment, I am focusing on achieving a degree in interior design, with a possible minor in either cooking, or vocal performance (a love of both makes the decision difficult), with the goal of finishing before I give up school entirely. In my spare time, I read, sing, watch way too much TV, sleep, and write blogs (something I hope to continue doing faithfully). Most of the time, I hang out with my adorable husband...which I am actually going to go and do right now. Hopefully you will hear from me fairly soon, and maybe somebody will relate to what I have to say. Until then...
I suppose I should start by introducing myself. My name is Lynda M. Freeman and I am a junior at Brigham Young University. I am currently living in Provo, UT with my husband of almost of almost two years, Dallas. For the moment, I am focusing on achieving a degree in interior design, with a possible minor in either cooking, or vocal performance (a love of both makes the decision difficult), with the goal of finishing before I give up school entirely. In my spare time, I read, sing, watch way too much TV, sleep, and write blogs (something I hope to continue doing faithfully). Most of the time, I hang out with my adorable husband...which I am actually going to go and do right now. Hopefully you will hear from me fairly soon, and maybe somebody will relate to what I have to say. Until then...
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