I'm not a Pin Cushion!

So today, after fasting for 12+ hours, I went to the Health Center to get my blood drawn for the various tests I'm undergoing as mentioned previously.  After waiting for a good long while, they took me back to the torture chair where they proceeded to stick me with a needle FIVE TIMES!!  Five times (including once in my hand OuCH!) because my veins like to hide and they had a hard time finding them even after constricting my arm, making me pump my fist and using a heating device laid on my skin.  Can you say ridiculous?  The entire process took overan hour. Now, 5 hours later, my arms are black and blue and I got so many holes I look like I shoot up.  No more tests for me! Nu- uh!

And Yet These People Can Concieve? (April Edition)

Welcome to April!  I thought I'd kick this month off with a bang by whipping out another round of "And Yet THESE People Can Concieve?" 

First up, we have a reader submission! 

The most fabulous Suzanne Westover referred me to this story.  That headline reads:

"Louisiana woman charged with trading 2 small children for pet cockatoo and $175 in cash"

Awesome.  Truly legendary.  And I'd say her children got the best deal of them all.  Which bring me to my next point... the woman traded the kids to a couple who have infertility problems.  I wish I had known that there are magical people like this in the world a long time ago!  Will you accept $50 and an expired Entertainment Book? 

Next up, we've got our tried-and-true finds from the Fail Blog.

I submit that, as long as the mom doesn't fart, this doesn't look too uncomfortable.

Just a little further...a little further...

Nuff said...

And last but not least, I humbly submit to you....

FUTURE PARENTING FAIL

 

Pills and Pokey Things

So today I went to the doctor to have a cheerful chat about what they were going to do about the fact that I haven't ovulated in nine months or had a period since Dec 20th.  He recommended lots of options and we finally decided on a medication called Metformin.  Basically, this is a medication given to those suffering from diabetes but has been found effective in regulating monthly cycles and causing ovulation.  My doc also said it could result in weight loss because of the pills side effects of making you vomit and have diarrhea of five minutes so I'm really excited about that!  (to all those who can't recognize sarcasm...that was it) Unfortunately I have to wait a week or more before I can take it while I undergo lots of testing.  Most of these tests I'm going to be doing tomorrow including testing for high cholesterol, thyroid problems, pre-diabetes and like I mentioned before...PCOS.  Today they tested me to see if I was pregnant (after all I haven't had a period in almost four months), but after being poked with a needle three times by an incompetent nurse as well as painful digging around in my arm, followed by waiting for the result for an hour, the test came back as, you guessed it! Negative!...big surprise there...

Anyway, I'll post the results of all my tests as I know them.  Wish me luck!

DIEt

Easter has come and gone, yet I am unfulfilled. Because I’m on a diet.

Blah. I hate that word. DIET. I’m certain it isn’t a coincidence that it begins with the word D-I-E. While I’m not a bad or voluminous eater, I certainly have some weight to lose. It’s frustrating to me that I don’t eat much more or worse than other, more skinny folks, but yet my body is apparently operating under the pretense that we are about to go into a long winter, in Siberia, without any rations to sustain us whatsoever. I think I shared in the past that my fertility doc explained my body type as the kind that, should my oxen keel over and die in mid-field plowing, I could just pick up the yolk and finish the job myself. Great... Just awesome... A very convenient condition for the 1800s (pre-McDonalds) where a strong back and slow metabolism equaled a long life. Not so good right now.

On top of that, I’m getting tested for PCOS. Ah, PCOS… where I can diet and exercise and still weigh 5000 lbs. Yeah, that's the one. So, as I mentioned earlier, I'm on a all liquid diet.  I have lost nine pounds which is the most success I've had in the last three years and I'm hoping the trend continues.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed!

The Infertility Journey

Ever wonder about the expression, “infertility journey?” To my way of thinking, infertility is a journey because in the process, you may find yourself making decisions and having experiences that you never before imagined.

For example, I’ve talked with many friends who find themselves thinking about undergoing IVF treatment, when perhaps just a few months earlier, they would never have imagined that their fertility journey would have taken them to that place. Where before the prospect of undergoing invasive treatment and taking powerful drugs seemed daunting, now the quest for a child is changing all of that. The undo-able now becomes the “next thing” to be done.

All of this takes a toll on the mind as well as the body. As part of your infertility treatment, I believe it’s important to consider your emotional well-being, and the state of your marriage and relationships.

Don’t let your quest become so single-minded that you become blind to the whole of what you need.

If you find yourself feeling stressed, confused, overwhelmed, sitting down and talking to counselor who specializes in reproductive issues, or even just starting a blog like this one, can be of enormous help. You can learn skills and gain insights that can help you to grieve, to make decisions, and ultimately to heal. In this way, no matter what happens, you’ll know that you will come through this stronger and healthier than before.  That's my goal.

Infertility and Sex: A Reminder of the Problem

One of the most devastating things about infertility is the way it can impact you and your partner’s intimate relationship. Something that was just supposed to be between the two of you has now become a means to an end, subject to timing, testing, and in some cases, clinical intervention. Unfortunately, being intimate can now become a reminder of the problem.  For this reason, I've decided to offer  my advice(such as it is).
Here is some tips on how to stay connected to your partner, and nurture intimacy on your fertility journey:
Plan a date night: Make time to be alone and together, ideally on a weekly basis. Do things that encourage interaction, especially the types of things you enjoyed doing when you first became a couple. Talk about anything that comes to mind EXCEPT money, your jobs, and–you guessed it–fertility!
Plan for nonsexual physical connection: It’s important to start to link up having fun and being together physically. Some great ways to do this are to consider nonsexual physical activities like ballroom dancing, taking a yoga class, working out at the gym–things that make you feel physically good about yourself, and one another.
Plan getaways: There are times when you need to throw caution (and your fertility protocol) to the wind, and just get away. Sometimes a change in scenery can help recharge a relationship. Plan for these breaks–even an overnight can do wonders.

My hubby's the BESTEST!!

I was just thinking today of how much I LOVE my husband and I decided to make a short count down list of the reasons why.

8. He’s a light sleeper. I am up at LEAST once during the night to pee and eat chocolate, and he always rolls over and puts a hand on me to let me know that he’s still there and he loves me. In fact, this past weekend, he woke me up during a particularly nasty dream I was having about sharks and shallow water (which he probably doesn't remember doing) because I was making noises like I was scared. It’s nice to know in the middle of the night that I’m not alone.
7. He does the laundry. You need to understand– he does ALL the laundry.  The washing, the drying, the folding, the hanging.  ALL of it.  Plus, the laundry room is kinda of scary at night when the lights are off. The bogeyman lives there. So I rarely go there, especially when its cold out, and when I do I am usually running for my life in about 5 minutes because I can feel his eyes on me. So I don’t really do the laundry that much. My husband, though I KNOW he finds me ridiculous, has taken on the chore of doing laundry so I don’t have to sacrifice myself to the bogeyman. Good man.
6. He loves to be outside. Yes, I know, this is silly. But I am inherently lazy. I would much prefer to laze on the couch and read a book than go outside and play tag, take a walk, ride my bike, or anything else. My husband gets me on my feet and into the fresh air, which is a very good thing.
5. He’s absolutely 100% supportive of my obsession with babies. Doesn’t matter to him that I end every lovemaking session with a pillow under my hips. Doesn’t matter to him that we have to do it every night for a week to catch when I ovulate(back when I was). Doesn’t matter that I used to wake up every morning, including weekends, at 5am to take my temperature. He’s amazing like that.
4. He’s as into cooking as I am. I love to try out a new recipe or new style of food. He loves it as much as I do, and there have been nights where I’ve come home from work and he’s made us a gourmet meal. Love that.
3. He’s incredibly intelligent. And can always conjure up a stimulating conversation. He loves me for my intelligence, too; a big deal for me, since my intelligence is not as evident as his.
2. He makes me laugh. We laugh all the time; about family issues, about trying for a baby, about pretty much everything. It reminds me not to take myself and my life too seriously.
1. He loves me unconditionally. No matter what happens, no matter where we go, he’ll always love me. I’ve never really had that whole “unconditional love” thing before, and it’s amazing to know that even if we fight, even if I’m a raging witch for a day, he’s not going to leave me.
I can’t tell you how lucky I feel every morning when I wake up and look at him. He’s the most amazing man, and I sometimes can’t believe I actually got to marry someone like him.

Hun, if you're reading this, which I know you are because you are SOOOO supportive, I LOVE you!  Just wanted you to know.

And Yet These People Can Concieve?

And now for some parenting fails from failblog.org...

Sigh....

To All Who Are Trying

"Beyond the very extreme of fatigue and distress, we may find amounts of ease and power we never dreamed ourselves to own; sources of strength never taxed at all because we never push through the obstruction."
-William James

I know I can't expect others to know how this all feels, but I do in fact know how it feels and I want to be able to say comforting and real words to those struggling through infertility. As the quotation above says, we don't know how much strength we have until we push through that obstruction. So I guess my message to those still trying hard for their baby is don't stop trying. I am saying to you that despite failure, don't stop. Keep finding ways to try, even if it pushes you to where you never thought you could go. Do not give up. Every single person going through infertility has this drive to break through obstructions - you live it everyday, you prove it everyday. So I just wanted to be a reminder of that.

See... I'm learning

As you can see from my last post, I have learned how to add pictures to my blog.  Yay!

When You Care Enough To Send the Very Best

I'm not sure what to think about this. Hallmark has a series called "Cards with real words for real life." If you go on their website one of the options is "Help Cope with trying to get pregnant, having a miscarriage or an aging parent." The above card is Hallmark's answer to showing support for an infertile friend or family member.

Now on the one hand, I see this as a breakthrough in mainstream media to include a card about infertility. It is getting the topic out of the shame closet and showing how prevalent this problem is and that it's okay to say something to an infertile person instead of running for the hills because you are too uncomfortable with it. So I do applaud this. But my first reaction to the card was a big giggle at how cheesy this seemed. Saying it with a hallmark card has never really been my style anyway, but I tried to think hard and honestly about how I would feel if I got this in the mail from a friend. Would I be really happy that a friend thought of me or would I feel like this was a lame way of avoiding talking with me about it?

I'm probably being too harsh because in the end I have a hard time figuring out what I want from people. I really don't want packaged responses from people about my losses or infertility because it makes me want to strangle them. I despise when I sense a person is so uncomfortable with the topic or feel they are walking on egg shells around me. Sometimes I don't want to feel like a freak and don't want people to talk in a pitied tone to me. But then sometimes I get so angry when people just ignore my losses and pretend nothing bad has happened. So what do I want from people? A hallmark card? In the end my mood plays a huge part in all this. I guess my preferred interaction is when a person can just be real with me. They can frankly say this sucks so bad and is angry along with me that this is happening and doesn't show awkwardness. Maybe I am just asking too much. But the people who haven't been afraid to talk frankly with me about this (hubby, mom, dad, sister and sister in-laws, and 2 close friends) are the people who continue to make me feel the most comfortable sharing my experience.

So Hallmark is making the right step. But of course it got me thinking of some infertility cards I would like to submit to Hallmark for consideration. If they want to get to real words for real life, I got some doozies in my pocket that I can throw out there. What about some of these?

THE SURROGATE SERIES - When you want to avoid awkward questions, send the very best. 

For Intended Parent to Friend:

For Friend to Intended Parent:

THE NOSEY NEIGHBOR SERIES - When you can't hold your tongue, send the very best.

THE COMPLETELY UNHELPFUL SERIES: When you want to make light of an insanely complicated situation, send the very best.
I kid you not, I actually received this message from a friend in an email (word for word transcription!):

THE DREAM SERIES: When you have real insight into the infertility struggle, send the very best. 

I can dream can't I?

Can you think of any more for Hallmark?

Untitled #1

I used to write a lot of poems back in high school, and I considered myself good at it. With that said, I decided to try my hand at writing a poem that expresses all the many emotions that I experience as a result of my struggle with infertility. I don't know how good it is, but it presents my raw feelings and thoughts, so please be considerate when commenting...

Untitled #1

It is long, this road, and hard.
So commonplace a destination, yet the easy path is barred.
I cannot see the end, or count the many branches,
or know which one will best fulfill my yearnings.
So often now, I pause and rest; reflect.
What is the nature of my regret?
Is my acceptance worthless, mere illusion;
my early arrogance exchanged for new delusions?
High hopes. False, perhaps,
yet who would choose to blame me for that lapse?
I could demand answers, or rail against fate,
Against the cold, dark universe, and the vagaries of chance.
Instead, I laugh.
Who would choose to be adrift, unknown?
Oh yes, my hubris is surely present still.
It is long, this road, and hard, and I have many miles to travel, even now.

I have many miles to travel, even now,
and many miles behind me. Looking back, I wonder how
this well-trod path ever caught me by surprise.
There is no division, no marker, no border -
just my life, my road, unwavering.
There are the twists and turns I chose,
so familiar, each one greeted with delight.
And the shadows, and the blinding, painful light,
oh, I chose those too,
trusting that my self would see me through.
How different, really, have the last miles been?
Each step, each footfall, ringing on the stones
with no dissonance.
Predictable. Expected. Acceptance of such is easy,
but without bitterness, or cynicism?
I have many miles to travel, even now, and the challenge remains unchanged.

The challenge remains, unchanged,
while I have changed beyond all recognition.
Those early days, I see reflected all around.
And where my hopes were false, my disappointment bitter,
elsewhere, I see every permutation, joy and pain alike.
They seem so shallow now.
Nothing deepens an emotion like time,
its abrasive attrition of the soul
and its healing balm.
My heart reaches out to you, walking those first steps.
I know my pain is deeper, the joys of my future greater,
and I hate myself for living that lie,
abandoning my own early emotions.
There is no pride in this wisdom, this oh-so-brief experience,
and too much truth in blissful ignorance.
The challenge remains unchanged: to learn what may be learned.

Learning what may be learned
is the only recompense I've found.
The colors and details of my dreams are sharpening
even as they fade into the dawn's reality.
Oh, I am different, stronger, and still the same as always;
all this newness was always there,
waiting to be found, or claimed.
Each and every grief is still a triumph,
still a step closer
to the road's end, to my heart, and my heart's breaking.
All life is joy, and grief, intermingled,
and growing all the brighter through adversity.
This consuming nothingness will pass,
and one day, on a different path, I'll once again
reflect upon the time I spent
learning what may be learned, along this road, so long and hard.

Diet Attempt #5,731,860

So, I decided to start my latest diet yesterday, and I'm proud to say I've gone a day and a half without succumbing to temptation. Whoohoo! That's a record! Ok...not really. But its a hard diet and I think I should be proud of myself. What I'm doing is so crazy it just might work. I am on a strict liquid diet, with the exception of having two servings of healthy vegetables during the day. That's right, just LIQUID!! Right now my meals consist of Citrucel, Isagenix Shakes, Ensure, non-fat milk, water, sugar free juices, V8, Boost, and Soy milk. Sounds tasty right? Actually its not too bad. And I'm not nearly as hungry as I thought I'd be. Its just important that all my drinks have something my body needs and that I take a daily supplement along with it. The vegetables are for extra fiber and protein, and so my stomach doesn't forget how to digest solids. I know its crazy but I've tried everything else, and unless I achieve some significant weight loss, there is NO chance of me getting preggo. Period. So, I put myself through this torture regime for a month, see how effective it is, and if I get results I keep doing it. I'll let you know how it goes!

Could I Get a Jump Start?

I keep having points where my period almost starts. A little here, and a few days later, a little there. It reminds of a car that keeps trying to start, but just can't seem to get the engine going.

Just Like A Scene from St. Elmo's Fire...

Many often comment about how open I am about my struggle with infertility, my miscarriages, etc.
Some embrace it.
Some don't.
Some wonder why I am like this---"what's the point" they ask.
Well, the point is that 7.3 million people a year struggle with infertility.....as for miscarriages and adoption, I believe it is all under the same umbrella---and I think as a society we need to talk about it.
I am not a girl who believes that if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist. That's not how I work.
These unpleasant journeys in our lives are real and they are painful. I speak from experience.
But they can also be life changing in ways you never thought possible.
I believe that you should talk openly about these things because you just never know who you might meet. You never know who's been through the same thing or someone who can offer you a piece of valued advice.
But I remember feeling as if I "shouldn't" talk about it.
I remember feeling embarrassed and almost ashamed that my body wasn't cooperating the way it was supposed to.
Now I look back and think really? How did I let myself feel that way? Shame on me.
I probably could have really used some open and honest conversation about what was going on in my life.
What wasn't helpful was feeling like I was living a scene from St. Elmo's Fire.....remember the mother who whispered certain words she didn't want to say out loud? "Cancer" "Drugs" "Prison"?----I am sure "infertility" "miscarriage" and "adoption" would have been on her list too.
Yes, now I can laugh about it. But trust me my friends, this is no laughing matter.
So I decided that I was going to talk about this stuff. I was going to be brave and bring it out into the open. Because of the number of people that infertility affects, we should be talking about this stuff openly and honestly.
Every day I hope that one way or another--- I do my part to make someone's journey through infertility, miscarriage or adoption just a little easier.
After all, doesn't everyone need a shoulder to lean on now and again?
Love much,
Lynda

How Big is the Elephant in Your Room?

Constance? Earnest? Stalwart? Fred?

I haven’t named my elephant yet, but I really should since it’s been with me in whatever room I seem to occupy for quite some time now. Yes,infertility comes with its very own elephant – as if we need things to be any more crowded in the places we occupy, or worse yet, in doctor office waiting rooms (Can you just picture it? A room full of couples and their elephants??!)

Responding to Readers

This is in response to a reader email I received about pity.

"I'm curious to know how you would respond to those who offer over-the-top pity. I know a woman who dramatically talks about our 'empty arms' and repeatedly says how her heart aches so deeply for us.She did a blog entry about us: 'I weep knowing how hard they have tried to have a baby and still have empty arms.' I can't pinpoint why, but her words turn my stomach inside out. Short of avoiding her, I'd like to know a good way to respond to such extreme comments while remaining poised. Often these comments are presented in person and as you may know, it's sure hard to think on your feet when you have to respond in the moment."

I can so totally relate to that uncomfortable feeling. My response would likely be something like this ... "We're trying to move beyond sadness to acceptance. While I appreciate your deep sense of the loss involved it isn't helpful to be reminded of the pain."

I've found the most helpful responses when someone learns of our experience is simply to acknowledge the difficulties we faced with a quiet and sincere, "I'm sorry," or "I admire your strength."

Welcome other responses...

The Game of Life

Anyone out there remember playing the board game LIFE? It'd been years since I spun the wheel of fate, but last summer while nannying for a friend who has a daughter and a son I was invited to put a pink peg in a car and see what life had in store for me. On the living room floor in between turns I watched a movie and snacked on cheese, nuts and other goodies while this friend relaxed on the sofa.

The game didn't take much concentration since the kids were content to move my car according to my spin result and keep the pay day cash coming my way. I was well into my first can of soda, and nearly to the end of Bolt, when I looked down and realized I was the only car without child pegs. I turned to my girl pal and asked her where I could get my kids. She matter of factly explained, "you've passed the point where you can have kids," before reaching over to refill her snack bowl.

What? You mean there are no fertility clinics on the board where I can dole out loads of cash?

So much for escaping reality. Even in the game of life, I was the "infertile" car.

But there was a silver lining. On the space demanding daycare payment for each child in the care, guess who was exempt?

You betcha!

Or not...

It seems my earlier post was a little premature. Apparently Aunt Flow was just quickly dropping by to pick up the last of my dignity before leaving with a slam of the door. Sigh...

Things Are Just Going My Way!

Things are looking up! Way, WAY up. Not only did I start my period, which I am attributing to the fact that I dropped my classes and am taking it easy, my wonderful, sweet, husband as been accepted to Texas A&M!! And not only has he been accepted but they are giving him a $5000 fellowship, are paying his tuition, and his health insurance, and are giving him a job with a salary of $1500 a month! Could things get any better? All I need now is a bun in the oven and I'll be happy as a clam. Happier even! So, we are moving down to Houston in April, and staying with his mother until September when we will be moving into a brand spanking new apartment, which by the way, allows pets! Yay! Kitty for me! :) This is just so stinkin' awesome! Anywhoodles, got to go. There is a book calling my name.

Finally!

Its happened! After almost a three month vacation, Aunt Flow is back! And with a vengeance I might add. *wince* But no way am I complaining! This is great! You should have seen my grin we I realized there was blood on the tissue paper. Even better, you should have the seen the happy dance I did about thirty seconds later. How many people do you know jump for joy when TOM is in town? Counting me, that's one! I'm so happy right now I keep giggling at random intervals. Bless you bloated belly, bless you achy back, bless you mind numbing cramps! Ya-hooo!!!

Sigh...

Three months without a period.

No, not pregnant...just broken.

Stranger in a Strange Land

Finding myself without my regular "poke-n-prod" appointments has been... well, odd. But relaxing too.

It's been so strange to find myself thinking about normal things. About the world beyond my uterus. When you're infertile, and TTC, you lose some of yourself. And I'm not just talking about vials of blood, or your sense of modesty. There's always the shadow of your fertility struggle looming over every thought, and action. You end up feeling like your own evil twin, or a "reasonable hand-drawn facsimilie." You try to think about the greater world, but the stress, anxiety and sadness pushes you back into the hormone-clouded bubble. You forget what life felt like before you became so hypersensitive.

But... without the constant doctors appointments, I'm starting to feel almost human again. I can sleep through the night without waking up drenched in sweat. I can concentrate on my work... well, at least as much as I ever could. I can be intimate with my husband without worrying about laying perfectly still afterward, or praying that it will work this time. We can be intimate when we feel like it, and we do feel like it. I never realized how different making love and making a baby were.

Without the appointments, I feel like I'm learning how to be myself again. It feels strange, but good. I'm glad I'm taking this time for myself, to recover from how hard these last couple of years have been, and to prepare myself for the next part of the fight.

"An High Priest of Good Things to Come"

This talk was suggested to me by a good friend of mine. It was helpful for me so I thought I would post it here. I hope it gives you as much comfort as it gave me!

"An High Priest of Good Things to Come"
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.

On those days when we have special need of heaven's help, we would do well to remember one of the titles given to the Savior in the epistle to the Hebrews. Speaking of Jesus' "more excellent ministry" and why He is "the mediator of a better covenant" filled with "better promises," this author--presumably the Apostle Paul--tells us that through His mediation and Atonement, Christ became "an high priest of good things to come."1

Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better. Moroni spoke of it in the Book of Mormon as "hope for a better world."2 For emotional health and spiritual stamina, everyone needs to be able to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful, whether that blessing be near at hand or still some distance ahead. It is enough just to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of "good things to come."

My declaration is that this is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us, especially in times of need. There is help. There is happiness. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the Light of the World, the Bright and Morning Star, the "light that is endless, that can never be darkened."3 It is the very Son of God Himself. In loving praise far beyond Romeo's reach, we say, "What light through yonder window breaks?" It is the return of hope, and Jesus is the Sun.4 To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His "more excellent ministry" with a future of "better promises." He is your "high priest of good things to come."

I think of newly called missionaries leaving family and friends to face, on occasion, some rejection and some discouragement and, at least in the beginning, a moment or two of homesickness and perhaps a little fear.

I think of young mothers and fathers who are faithfully having their families while still in school--or just newly out--trying to make ends meet even as they hope for a brighter financial future someday. At the same time, I think of other parents who would give any earthly possession they own to have a wayward child return.

I think of single parents who face all of this but face it alone, having confronted death or divorce, alienation or abandonment, or some other misfortune they had not foreseen in happier days and certainly had not wanted.

I think of those who want to be married and aren't, those who desire to have children and cannot, those who have acquaintances but very few friends, those who are grieving over the death of a loved one or are themselves ill with disease. I think of those who suffer from sin--their own or someone else's--who need to know there is a way back and that happiness can be restored. I think of the disconsolate and downtrodden who feel life has passed them by, or now wish that it would pass them by. To all of these and so many more, I say: Cling to your faith. Hold on to your hope. "Pray always, and be believing."5Indeed, as Paul wrote of Abraham, he "against [all] hope believed in hope" and "staggered not . . . through unbelief." He was "strong in faith" and was "fully persuaded that, what [God] had promised, he was able . . . to perform."6

Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed.

In spite of this counsel, I know some of you do truly feel at sea, in the most frightening sense of that term. Out in troubled waters, you may even now be crying with the poet:

It darkens. I have lost the ford.
There is a change on all things made.
The rocks have evil faces, Lord,
And I am [sore] afraid.7

No, it is not without a recognition of life's tempests but fully and directly because of them that I testify of God's love and the Savior's power to calm the storm. Always remember in that biblical story that He was out there on the water also, that He faced the worst of it right along with the newest and youngest and most fearful. Only one who has fought against those ominous waves is justified in telling us--as well as the sea--to "be still."8 Only one who has taken the full brunt of such adversity could ever be justified in telling us in such times to "be of good cheer."9 Such counsel is not a jaunty pep talk about the power of positive thinking, though positive thinking is much needed in the world. No, Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe!

No one's eyes were more penetrating than His, and much of what He saw pierced His heart. Surely His ears heard every cry of distress, every sound of want and despair. To a degree far more than we will ever understand, He was "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief."10 Indeed, to the layman in the streets of Judea, Christ's career must have seemed a failure, a tragedy, a good man totally overwhelmed by the evils surrounding Him and the misdeeds of others. He was misunderstood or misrepresented, even hated from the beginning. No matter what He said or did, His statements were twisted, His actions suspected, His motives impugned. In the entire history of the world no one has ever loved so purely or served so selflessly--and been treated so diabolically for His effort. Yet nothing could break His faith in His Father's plan or His Father's promises. Even in those darkest hours at Gethsemane and Calvary, He pressed on, continuing to trust in the very God whom He momentarily feared had forsaken Him.

Because Christ's eyes were unfailingly fixed on the future, He could endure all that was required of Him, suffer as no man can suffer except it be "unto death,"11 as King Benjamin said, look upon the wreckage of individual lives and the promises of ancient Israel lying in ruins around Him and still say then and now, "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."12 How could He do this? How could He believe it? Because He knows that for the faithful, things will be made right soon enough. He is a King; He speaks for the crown; He knows what can be promised. He knows that "the Lord . . . will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. . . . For the needy shall not alway[s] be forgotten: the expectation of the poor shall not perish for ever."13 He knows that "the Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." He knows that "the Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."14

Forgive me for a personal conclusion, which does not represent the terrible burdens so many of you carry but it is meant to be encouraging. Thirty years ago last month, a little family set out to cross the United States to attend graduate school--no money, an old car, every earthly possession they owned packed into less than half the space of the smallest U-Haul trailer available. Bidding their apprehensive parents farewell, they drove exactly 34 miles up the highway, at which point their beleaguered car erupted.

Pulling off the freeway onto a frontage road, the young father surveyed the steam, matched it with his own, then left his trusting wife and two innocent children--the youngest just three months old--to wait in the car while he walked the three miles or so to the southern Utah metropolis of Kanarraville, population then, I suppose, 65. Some water was secured at the edge of town, and a very kind citizen offered a drive back to the stranded family. The car was attended to and slowly--very slowly--driven back to St. George for inspection--U-Haul trailer and all.

After more than two hours of checking and rechecking, no immediate problem could be detected, so once again the journey was begun. In exactly the same amount of elapsed time at exactly the same location on that highway with exactly the same pyrotechnics from under the hood, the car exploded again. It could not have been 15 feet from the earlier collapse, probably not 5 feet from it! Obviously the most precise laws of automotive physics were at work.

Now feeling more foolish than angry, the chagrined young father once more left his trusting loved ones and started the long walk for help once again. This time the man providing the water said, "Either you or that fellow who looks just like you ought to get a new radiator for that car." For the second time a kind neighbor offered a lift back to the same automobile and its anxious little occupants. He didn't know whether to laugh or to cry at the plight of this young family.

"How far have you come?" he said. "Thirty-four miles," I answered. "How much farther do you have to go?" "Twenty-six hundred miles," I said. "Well, you might make that trip, and your wife and those two little kiddies might make that trip, but none of you are going to make it in that car." He proved to be prophetic on all counts.

Just two weeks ago this weekend, I drove by that exact spot where the freeway turnoff leads to a frontage road, just three miles or so west of Kanarraville, Utah. That same beautiful and loyal wife, my dearest friend and greatest supporter for all these years, was curled up asleep in the seat beside me. The two children in the story, and the little brother who later joined them, have long since grown up and served missions, married perfectly, and are now raising children of their own. The automobile we were driving this time was modest but very pleasant and very safe. In fact, except for me and my lovely Pat situated so peacefully at my side, nothing of that moment two weeks ago was even remotely like the distressing circumstances of three decades earlier.

Yet in my mind's eye, for just an instant, I thought perhaps I saw on that side road an old car with a devoted young wife and two little children making the best of a bad situation there. Just ahead of them I imagined that I saw a young fellow walking toward Kanarraville, with plenty of distance still ahead of him. His shoulders seemed to be slumping a little, the weight of a young father's fear evident in his pace. In the scriptural phrase his hands did seem to "hang down."15 In that imaginary instant, I couldn't help calling out to him: "Don't give up, boy. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead--a lot of it--30 years of it now, and still counting. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

I testify that God lives, that He is our Eternal Father, that He loves each of us with a love divine. I testify that Jesus Christ is His Only Begotten Son in the flesh and, having triumphed in this world, is an heir of eternity, a joint-heir with God, and now stands on the right hand of His Father. I testify that this is Their true Church and that They sustain us in our hour of need--and always will, even if we cannot recognize that intervention. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. Of that I personally attest. I thank my Father in Heaven for His goodness past, present, and future, and I do so in the name of His Beloved Son and most generous high priest, even the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.

The Fear of Failing

The last few weeks I was starting to believe that I could handle this whole being infertile thing. I wasn't thinking about it all of the time. I wasn't crying as much. I wasn't even angry. But, recently I've realized that instead of getting better, the hurt has manifested itself into something else. The fear of failure. I didn't recognize it until this week, but lately I've stopped trying to do even the things that come most easily to me. I wondered why. I told myself I was just too tired, or that I wasn't feeling well. But today it dawned on me that in reality I was afraid of doing all those things becasue I was sure that I'd fail. Last week I decided I wasn't going to go to my Family Processes class anymore. I figured I'd simply take and E for the semester and then retake the class in the fall when I had more time and energy. The truth is though, I didn't believe I could get an A, and I wasn't going to put in all the hard work and time, and stress myself out, if I was only going to recieve a B. To me, a B is failure. I know, I know, I'm too hard on myself. I've always been that way. I'm a true prefectionist, and it upsets me to no end when I make the slighest mistake. Besides being insanely stressful, its not healthy. But what can I do? It's who I am. And after years of not fulfilling my own unrealistic expectations for myself, I honestly feel like I'm better off not trying. The reality of my infertility only makes this worse. Am I really such a failure that I can't do the one thing I was made to do? Something that should come completely naturally? For goodness sake all I have to do is lay there!! So, needless to say, right now I'm feeling like a waste of space. I see all these people around me doing these wonderful things like writing novels and running marathons and recording CDs, and all I seem to accomplish is getting up in the morning...and even then just barely. Will I ever be able to succeed at something I want to do? Lose weight? Go places using my singing voice? Finish that novel that has been a work in progress for six years? Somehow I doubt it...

Then God Remembered Rachel

When you are trying to have a baby and it's not happening, you want answers. If you are a spiritual person (and even if you aren't) you will eventually get around to asking God, "Yo, God! What up!? What's takin' so long?" (Okay, maybe you throw in some of the more formal "thee's and thou's". But the Lord and I are BFF's so we hang like that.)

Since my BFF is notoriously tight lipped in the absence of flaming foliage, I did what most people dealing with infertility do. I scanned the Bible for every verse on infertility, pregnancy and miraculous birth I could find in search of a clue.

The one of the first ones I found was in the book of Genesis. Chapter 30, verses 22 and 23. To give you a quick Sunday School refresher. Rachel and Leah were the two wives of Jacob. God blessed Leah with many sons but for a long time Rachel could not conceive. She was so desperate to have a child that she even offered her maid Bilhah as a surrogate. But adopting Bilhah's children as her own didn't really fill the need. She was still a woman without a child. But then something happened.

"Then God remembered Rachel..."

When I first read that verse, something shook loose inside me. I realized something that I had been feeling but couldn't put my finger on it. It's something I think all couples... but especially the women feel when they try to get pregnant but can't.

You feel forgotten.

But the thing is you don't feel forgotten by your parents who remind you how nice it would be to have a grandchild. You don't feel forgotten by family members who want to know when you two are going to have kids. You don't feel forgotten by your friends who invite you to all the baby showers and first birthday parties. You certainly don't feel forgotten by your gynecologist who reminds you (as mine did when we first started trying) "don't wait too long." And your spouse hasn't forgotten (how could he with you yelling at him to remember to pick up another box of Ovulation predictor pee sticks on his way home?)

No. You feel forgotten by GOD.

The Creator of Life has forgotten that you wanted in on the Miracle Factory. It's like He got so busy He overlooked you when He was sprinkling the Baby Dust on all your friends. You keep thinking He's going to come back your way but He never does. You watch your friends kids learn to walk and talk. Next thing you know they are enrolled in kindergarten. Heck, some of my cousin's have kids in Junior High!

And I feel... Forgotten. By. God.

So I read that verse as a promise in a way. That somehow... some way... eventually God will remember me.

Just Relax II

When you're "Trying To Conceive", or TTC as those in the in crowd call it, people will tell you all sorts of stories about a couple who went to the same church as their cousin's brother's mother's orthodontist who was TTC too. These people decided to take a tropical vacation somewhere and came back totally knocked up.

Or they will tell you how their babysitter's uncle's mechanic's sister started meditating for an hour and 45 minutes everyday and got pregnant the next month. Or worse they will quote THEY. "Well THEY say if you just relax you will get pregnant."

Because the person saying this is usually a friend or family member I am generally able to restrain myself from punching them in the face. But the impulse is there. If you have said these well meaning words to a TTC couple I can assure you your butt has been mentally kicked by them.

You see there are several very good reasons why saying these things will just piss me off.

1. It's anecdotal if not completely made up. I sometimes think there is actually only one couple that conceived on a vacation and everybody is referring to them through their own 6 degrees of separation. I've never met these people. How do I even know they were infertile in the first place? And if they did get pregnant, well then goody for them.
2. It's completely useless to me. I don't have time for a vacation. That's it. I work too much to meditate. Stress is an integral part of my life. It's not going anywhere. By suggesting this you've doomed me to failure. The very act of "trying to relax" becomes a stressor.
3. I actually tried it already.
4. It's not scientifically supported. There are actually studies suggesting that vacation sex, meditation and all that good stuff do absolutely nothing to improve your chances of getting pregnant.
5. I know you really don't want to talk about it anymore. When people can't do anything to help you they generally want to change the subject. Suggesting we go on vacation is how you make a last ditch effort to help and then segue into another subject.

So you see. I know you mean well. I really do appreciate it. But I've heard it before. And it doesn't help. Of course I can't tell you that because then I will only appear to be a raving stressed out hormonal woman with a biological clock the size of Big Ben. Which of course only proves your point. I really do need to relax.

Just don't tell me to relax, I might implode... or punch you in the face.

A Quick Hello

This is just a quick hello to all my readers. Thanks for being consistent readers of this blog and for all your comments. I have a request. If you are a follower could you please mark yourself as such? Also, I'm looking for entry ideas. Anyone have a subject they think deserves some discussion? Let me know! :) Thanks guys! You're the best!

A Month In the Life of an Infertile

Not completely original… stolen from a website called “999 reasons to laugh at infertility”

But I thought it was hilarious because it describes my emotional roller coaster perfectly!

Negative pregnancy test.
Period.
Cry on toilet.
Cry in bed.
Depression.
Cry at work in bathroom.
Day 3, fertility appointment.
Wonder if you should try having sex during your period.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Friend announces she’s pregnant. Emotional breakdown.
Ovulate?
IUI?
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, (shooting blanks)
Two week wait.
Facebook friend posts a picture of her bump. Cry.
Baby shower invite. Cry about that.
Analyze for early pregnancy symptoms.
Google: “Right breast feels heavier than left breast. Am I Pregnant?”
Google: “Peeing a lot at night, Pregnant?”
Google: “Metallic taste in mouth. Pregnant?”
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Hope for implantation bleeding.
Test early or wait for period.
Negative.
Mental breakdown.

Thank you

Throughout all of our fertility struggles, and through all of the heartbreak, my husband, Dallas, has been my strength. Steadfast in his faith and stable in his emotions, he has always provided me with a strong chest to lean on and shoulder to cry on. At my darkest hour, it’s been him and his faith in God that has saved me. He truly is my hero by every definition, and without him I wouldn’t stand a chance.

Top 6 things NOT to say to a woman trying to conceive

More than 6 million Americans are affected by infertility. Their pain is similar to the grief of losing a loved one, but this grief reoccurs month after month, sometimes year after year. Infertility is a tough enough rollercoaster ride without hurtful comments. Here is what NOT to say:
1. "Just Relax.”
It minimizes a diagnosable medical problem. These type of comments add to their stress. Would you tell someone with cancer to just relax? I didn’t think so.
2. “Enjoy being able to travel, sleep late, have free time, etc.”
Don’t minimize their pain. Being able sleep late does not provide comfort to someone who has always dreamed of being a parent. Your hectic life making memories sounds pretty good compared to an empty house wondering if you will ever be a part of “first steps”, soccer games, watching your child graduate. Would you tell someone who just lost their home how lucky they are now that they don’t have a lawn to mow?
3. “Maybe you aren’t meant to be a mom/dad.”
Do you notice all the abusive, neglectful, drug-addicted parents out there? Do they ‘deserve’ to be parents??? Enough said.
4. Why don’t you just adopt?”
Do you ask this of ‘fertile” couples? Why not? Many people dream of having a child that is biologically related to them, to experience pregnancy, and birth. Many infertiles become parents by adoption, but adoption is not easy or inexpensive. It is it’s own difficult journey.
5. “You should try In-Vitro, my naturopath, supplements, etc.”
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose and you probably do not know all the facts. Don’t play doctor and don’t give unsolicited advice. Anyone dealing with infertility has seriously considered or tried IVF, if they can afford it. In-Vitro Fertilization is very costly. If you are under 40 your chances for success are around 25% at a cost of at least $12,000 a try. Maybe for medical reasons they cannot pursue IVF. Alternative health practices may work for you and you can mention it, but don’t push it. You have no idea how much they have researched and tried to figure out what will work for their situation. It is disrespectful to push your treatment plan.
6. “Being pregnant isn’t fun”
If you are pregnant, do not complain about your pregnancy to someone struggling to have a baby. Leave these complaints for others that have children. It is painful enough to be infertile and be surrounded by women that easily get pregnant, to watch their bellies grow. Your infertile friend would give and do ANYTHING to feel your discomfort, weight gain, etc.

Sorry...

I just wanted to apologize to my readers about not posting for the last couple of days.  Things have been quite hectic.  My mom is here for a week, which is going to be so amazing by the way, I have test coming up, and lots of homework to catch up on.  But hopefully the next few posts will satisfy those who have had to go without their daily dose of me for last few days.  Enjoy!

Coming Out of the Infertility Closet

Infertility is a very personal battle. And this struggle…this fight…this abyss of sadness is something we tend to keep to ourselves. We don’t share it with the people who we see everyday or those who love us most. We retreat to our computers where we find amazing support on message boards and blogs from people who don’t know us and wouldn’t know us if they walked right into us on the street. But this is a huge thing that we go through. It is physically and emotionally draining. (I’m not even going near the financial implications.) It is a lot to keep from the people you love and share your life with, isn’t it?
The majority of people decide they want to have a child and get to make love to their partner in the privacy of their bedroom. They get to surprise the world with a pregnancy whenever they see fit to share it. We don’t get that. Our sex lives (or lack thereof) are out there for the entire world to know. (Doesn’t it feel like that sometimes?) We can’t have a baby the “old-fashioned” way. We need doctors and embryologists and anesthesiologists just to have a chance at having a baby. We get looks of pity and pep talks. (And who needs or wants those!? Or is it just me that gets really angry from that crap?) We get poked and prodded and used as pin cushions. We don’t get to surprise anyone with the news if …IF…we actually get pregnant. And we don’t even get definitive results…
I don’t know about you, but I’ve skipped lot…and I mean A LOT…of functions over the past two years because I couldn’t handle seeing kids. In a way, it feels like I’m hiding from my life. I hate that. How much of your life have you missed since finding out that you were infertile? How much of your struggles with infertility have you kept from the people you see every day or those you love? Telling our loved ones may make this fight easier to bear but telling them comes with questions…the ones about when you decided to have kids… what have you done so far…are any of us ready to answer those questions? Do we even have to?
I mentioned all this to a good friend of mine who is also struggling with infertility. And in all her infinite wisdom she said to me: “If they ask questions, you can say with impunity, ‘This is a really difficult process for us, and we’d prefer not to talk about it. I hope you can respect our wishes.’ And who knows, maybe having the visible support of your extended family will help us cope? Maybe in keeping it private, we’re giving ourselves a heavier burden to bear?”
And you know what? She is 100% absolutely positively right. How many of us suffer in silence daily only to cry to our computer screens because the people we talk to in cyberspace are the ONLY people who can even begin to imagine what it is that we are going through. We get by on virtual hugs instead of trusting those who can actually hug us. We go through the motions of every day life. We suffer through the intrusive and insensitive questions such as “Are you having kids?”
But the question remains…are we making this harder on ourselves then it needs to be? Maybe we should have a little more faith in those we love? Maybe we should come out of the infertility closet?

Infertility is the new Black

I'm just going to take a moment and rant about something I'm very upset about....

I have had a theory (long before we found out we were infertile) that when people have babies, they sort of lose their frontal lobes, you know that part of the brain the helps you understand other people’s theory of mind—that perhaps not everyone is quite as enamored with your little one as you are. This phenomenon can manifest itself as anything: from a 3 year old running amok during a funeral service to the endless clucking of mother hens about this birth weight and that milestone. I had postulated that perhaps the deep breathing of Lamaze, a few sleepless nights, or strong diaper fumes had somehow asphyxiated the brain cells of previously grounded and reasonable people. I had not considered that the force could be so strong as to extend to people whose child-rearing gong show was prefaced by a lengthy struggle with infertility. I expected more from these people.
I expected that the ability to empathize and relate to the struggles of the infertile would most easily be mastered by someone who has previously been an inhabitant of the Land of IF. In fact, this is not so. As I take my own private and painful journey through infertility, hoping to quell my loneliness in the warm blanket of shared experience, I google and ogle my way through infertility blogs. In my thirst for descriptions of the patience and emotional angst of infertility, I find myself constantly barging straight into someone’s online shrine to their miracle child. Pictures of said miracle baby (replete with birth weight and milestones) abound. Sorry, wrong room, my mistake!
My plea to the newly (and happily) fertile: Please, when the infertility door in your life closes, and for goodness sake shut down your infertility blog! Flex those frontal lobes and recall for a nanosecond how it felt to have no baby in your arms. Then, by all means start a new blog where you and your precious gift can cavort about in virtual nirvana without creating awkward and painful moments for the rest of us online who are still here. Infertility is clearly not your focus anymore, stop throwing it in our faces!
What is behind this behavior? This is another of my theories, but I think infertility is an inherently inwardly focused experience: we keep it secret; we scrutinize our levels and counts; we listen for every cramp, every twinge; we work in our bedrooms; we live in our underwear; we search (literally within ourselves) for answers. We look and we look and we forget that we are not alone. When people say goodbye to that time in their life, I assume it’s like childbirth, you forget the pain every time you look at the child—and that’s good. But no matter how good your memory, how big your frontal lobes, how inspiring you think your story is, it is your story, not mine and you have no business blogging about your parenting experience on a blog with an infertility tag line.

The Importance of Good Friends

So Valentine's Day wasn't the best day I've had this week.  Dallas was perfectly charming and bought me flowers and chocolates and took me out to lunch, but there was just little problem...THERE WERE PREGNANT WOMEN EVERYWHERE!!!  No joke! While waiting to be seated at Olive Garden I counted six, just in the entry to the restaurant.  And later, while we were enjoying or yummy bread sticks and salad, three more were seated at the table next to us.  Three! And two of them also had a toddler with them.  I'm beginning to think they are doing this purposely to taunt me.  "Nyah nyah nyah nah! Look at us with our huge bellies and swollen ankles and oh so sexy waddling.  We are goddesses of fertility.  Now eat pasta until you die!!"  It got worse from there. . .  There were four pregnant women in the movie theater, two walking as we drove home, and then more at the Valentine's dance Dallas took me to.  I just sat there glowering as a woman most likely in her third trimester held her belly and jumped up and down as they played "Cotton Eyed Joe."  "Yes jump, jump! Jump until it falls out."  ...Not literally of course.  So, to sum it up, I wasn't having the best day.  The next morning, I woke up still crabby.  I was fully ready to stay in bed and sulk all day long but a surprise visit from a good friend cheered me right up.  She came over and told me she had been thinking about me and wanted to see how I was feeling.  She also brought along some reading material that she assured would make me feel better...and guess what?  It did.  She reminded me that is was OK to feel the way I did.  It was OK to feel hurt and like I wanted to curl into a ball and just cry, because the next day, I'd make up for it.  So, I'm writing to tell my readers that if you are having a rough time, its important to have a really good friend that offers you their shoulder to cry on.  My husband it always there for me, but sometimes it helps to have someone else to talk to.  Someone else who is going through the same thing I am.  So thanks friend, you know who you are.  You were just what I needed to get me back on my feet. :)

Don't Dream Your Life Away

When you are so focused on the dream of a baby, it's hard to remember that there are other parts of your life that you held dreams for. As an infertile, it's easy to become one-dimensional and lose other parts of yourself. It's hard to battle the tunnel vision of baby-making, but we can be infertile and still continue to grow in other ways. Life is full of dreaming and when you are in the pit of despair and failure it's the perfect time to go fulfill something else on the list. No matter how small that dream might be, try to remember something else besides a baby you always wanted to do. Then do it.

Limbo Is Your Middle Name

One thing you have to get use to when being infertile is living in limbo. Living with the absence of control is one of the main skills to learn. It's also, I believe, one of the main culprits for making infertiles feel crazy. Everything about this infertile existence makes you live in grayness, not knowing if, when, why, how it will ever work to get pregnant. All the waiting, all the unknowns, the inability to plan, certainly made me pull hair out, cry, kick and scream. But we all know that if there is an art to being infertile, we can't go around foaming at the mouth or else we will get put away. So after my many tantrums, I had to dig pretty damn deep into myself. How do you remain sane in a world where 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2? I believe this is where inner strength, inner spirituality, and inner depth come into play. This world is full of horrible things. Having faith in something seems so foolish when your experience has shown you that it's impossible to trust anything. But what's the alternative? The darkness I faced was intense and poisonous.

Sometimes life forces us to relinquish control. From that, we have to somehow "just be." It's a state of mind that is hard to reach when there is so much pain, but if you can find spiritual moments like this, it will help. It's about survival. I am not a buddhist, but I know that one of it's principles is that life is about suffering. We crave certain state of affairs to not exist. Suffering ends when craving ends. This would be a state of enlightenment. I can't say I have the answer to getting there, but I do know that without a larger perspective on life, infertility will lead to deep depression and hopelessness that can be dangerous. The limbo won't go away, so if you are feeling the darkness, get professional help, find support groups, pray, meditate, dig deep.

TOP TEN WAYS TO PRACTICE THE ART OF BEING INFERTILE:

Doing this countdown has really let me think carefully about my identity as an infertile and what I can pass on to those just beginning this journey. This whole experience has really changed my life. It's given me a perspective and a certain understanding of myself that I am thankful for. Ultimately, the ability to set yourself free as an infertile person comes down to YOU. That's right, numero uno. Here is my number one all time top way to practice the art of being infertile.

 

10. Arm Yourself with Information, But Accept the Unanswerable.

9. Find Other Infertiles.

8. Tune out the noise.

7. It's okay to be angry.

6. Keep Trying.

5. Fulfill Another Dream.

4. Limbo is your middle name.

3. Remember Love.

2. Protect Yourself.

1. Forgive Yourself.

When I think about how important it is for me, after almost two years of pain, to be the strongest person I can for my future children, I can say without a doubt that I must forgive myself. As an infertile, we experience a sense of failure like no other. We are brought up believing that as a woman our body's innate role in life is to conceive and bear children. We are suppose to be on autopilot when it comes to this. Even for me, as a woman who firmly believes that our femininity is so much more beyond fertility, I feel a sense of betrayal that I am unable to accomplish this biological role. We try and try and try and we fail and fail and fail. At it's core, we battle feeling like this is all our fault.

But of course this imprisons us, puts a weight on our shoulders that is too heavy to carry for the rest of our lives. This whole top ten list has really culminated to an entire program of reorienting yourself. Not only do we have to keep re-strategizing on how to build our family, we also have to re-strategize how we see ourselves.

It's become clearest to me as I think about being a mother in the future. When life extends to another life, whether you biologically created it or sought help to create it, this new life is now your responsibility. One becomes two. Now all the regrets and all this anger and all the self-deprication has to take a step aside for this new person who needs you.

Forgive yourself for the miscarriages. Forgive yourself for the Big Fat Negatives. Forgive yourself for putting your career first. Forgive yourself for getting married later in life. Forgive yourself for not trying earlier. Forgive your uterus. Forgive your fallopian tubes. Forgive your eggs.

Forgive yourself.

Dear Mother Nature:

Since I apparently have trouble having babies, can you please take back this motherly figure that I've acquired over the last few years?

You're a peach!

Thanks

Just Lose Some Weight and You'll Get Pregnant

Doctors recommend that you should be at your ideal weight when trying to conceive.
Oh, so that's all we have to do? Just lose (or even gain) those extra 10 pounds? Super! That seems so incredibly easy. Perhaps, you were at your ideal weight 3+ years ago and then entered the wonderful world of infertility. You gained extra weight thanks to fertility drugs and then added some additional pounds due to a couple miscarriages. You would have hit the gym but your RE told you to refrain from exercise for a two week period.  And when you got your period and saw that negative pregnancy test, yet again, did you feel like eating healthy? NO WAY! You had cookies and a bowl of sugar for lunch followed by a bag of potato chips dipped in chocolate liqueur for dinner. But in a way, you have exercised! You've had sex almost 5,000 times in the past few years and then did acrobatics which included putting pillows under your bum and doing a full handstand.
A few years ago, you might have been at your ideal weight for conceiving and your bank account was also filled with money.

I Am More Than My Infertility

Anyone who has experienced infertility will tell you: it’s a rollercoaster. Whether you are involved in infertility treatment, or dealing with monthly cycles, it is seems inevitable that you will ride the waves of hope and disappointment.
No doubt, this is a difficult process. But there is something that makes it even harder than it needs to be: the story you tell yourself about your suffering.
For example, think back on a time when you suffered a loss or a setback. What story did you tell yourself about it? Was it filled with self-recrimination, criticism, negativity, fears of the future? If it was, your not alone. That’s the way it is for most people.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Underneath your story lies is the truth of your experience, waiting to be listened to, waiting to be embraced.
Here’s a way to access this truth. The next time you are in a place of loss, take some time to be alone and quiet. Focus on your breathing. If your mind is rambling on your story, just notice it, and say, “Yes, there is the story.” Then put your attention on your body. Notice any places that are tight, uncomfortable, painful.. Breathe into those places, and let it be what it is. Then imagine something or someone you love unconditionally. Let your heart fill with that love, and then place that feeling in the place your hurting. Love that hurt in the same way. Continue for a minute or two.

Now notice your experience.

If At First You Don't Succeed

So last night as part of our date night that we do every week, Dallas and I decided to make chicken friend steak and custard pie.  The steak, much to my surprise, turned out perfectly.  It was so yummy.  The pie, that was another story.  I don't know what it was, but it sure didn't taste like my idea of custard.  Blecch!  And of course, this was through no fault of my own...it must have been a bad recipe.  So now we are stuck with an entire uneaten pie in our fridge which I am sure Dallas(he liked it a little) will eat over the period of a week and gain 15 lbs(the recipe called for 2 cups of half and half and a cup of sugar).  Now, as gross as the pie was, it didn't quite put me off the idea of trying to make it again, with a different recipe this time.  And, as funny as it sounds, this simple thing got me thinking about other things I have attempted in my life, that didn't...shall we say...go off without a hitch.  I would have to start over, and as frustrated as that made me, a perfect finished product always made it worth it.  So, I'm writing to encourage all my readers, particularly those who are struggling with a particularly difficult task, or who are just having a hard time, to keep at it.  Its a long, broken road but eventually you will get to the pot of gold, or rose garden, or pan of brownies...whichever reward is most appealing to you.  Mine would be a wonderful, perfect, delicious custard pie.  And next week, if it still comes out gross...well then Dallas will have to work off 30 lbs.

Walk On

Everyone has moments in life when they feel like the world is crumbling around them and nothing could get any worse.  A few weeks ago, I was at the deepest, hardest, stinkiest part of rock bottom.  The reality of my infertile was looming over me all the time, my testimony of the gospel was at its weakest, my relationship with my husband was strained because I refused to let him comfort me, and I was sure that nothing could be right again unless I conceived.  Its amazing how quickly things can brighten up again...and all it takes is the resolution to be happy, and make the most of you've got.  This last Sunday I went to church for the first time in months. It has been hard for me lately to attend all my meetings because everywhere you look its swollen bellies, baby carriages, and diaper bags.  I mean, you get that anywhere, but in Provo, UT, and especially at church, pregnant women are a species apart.  Anyway, I finally screwed up the courage to go last Sunday, and guess what...I was okay.  That green monster of jealously that takes control so often was gone, and I could honestly be excited for those women who were pregnant.  It was a wonderful feeling, and one I hope I can hold onto....although I'm pretty sure I will continue to get discouraged at times.  Anyway, my point is that when things are going badly, we need to remember to look forward to a future where things are happy again.  Nothing ever stays wrong that long....so walk on.

The Importance of Chocolate

There are things on Earth that could be nothing else than a miracle.  I am speaking of course of chocolate.  Melty, crumbly, dark, milk, orange flavored...whatever.  Chocolate is amazing.  For me, chocolate is the all purpose cure.  Whether I'm sick, having a bad day, got a bad grade on a test, need to celebrate a good grade on a test, or I'm just hungry, chocolate always satisfys.  In all its forms, choclate is the most wonderful thing ever created.  There is nothing like coming home from a long day of work, walking in the door, and having your husband surprise you with a big beautiful bar of Lindt dark chocolate truffle, then snuggling up on the couch and devouring one divine piece after another while watching Project Runway. That my friends, is bliss.  If you're having a hard time, don't wait, get yourself some chocolate.

The Importance of Date Night

So my husband and I have established a sort of tradition where every Monday night we make dinner together, trying a recipe that we've never made before, and then getting a movie from red box and watching it while we sample our cuisine.  We do this, not only to spend time with each other, but to keep ourselves from getting into a slump and preparing the same dishes every week because they're easy (mom...just kidding...you know I love you).  We figure this way, by the times we have kids, we will have expanded our repertoire enough that the kids will never have trouble choosing something for dinner.  Anyway, this last Monday, we made the most amazing chicken pot pie, along with individual chocolate melting cakes.  Yum.  But, no matter how wonderfully flaky the pie crust is, or how deliciously satisfying the cakes are, I will always enjoy the time I spend with my husband most of all.  There is something that is just so special about working together on something.  It creates a bond that I don't think we'd be able to form anyway else.  And we work so well together to.  He makes the crust while I make the filling, he whips the eggs while I melt the chocolate, he does the dishes while I serve the food.  It just brings to mind how much easier things become when you have a partner to help you, especially when that partner knows what to do before you ask him.  I think this is something important to remember in all aspects of our lives.  For the longest time, I believed that I had to overcome all my trials and weaknesses on my own.  But having such a wonderful partner and help-meet has made me realize that we need to face everything in the world together, no matter what it is.  With both of us and the Lord shouldering the load, everything is so much easier to bear...and we have more time to think about what recipe to try tonight.

Keeping An Eternal Perspective

Awareness of eternity affects our decisions.  The more clearly we see eternity, the more obvious it becomes that the Lord's work in which we are engaged is one vast and grand work with striking similarities on each side of the veil...If we live in such a way that the considerations of eternity press upon us, we will make better decisions.

Family is Forever

Not many of us, as faulty human beings, can honestly say there is nothing we regret.  I know that I personally have lost many hours of sleep when I just couldn't make my brain shut up and I was plagued by things I wish I could have done differently, or things I wish I hadn't done at all.  For instance, my first boyfriend...now THAT was a mistake.  Or they time I ate a whole package of Oreo's to myself.  But the reality is, we learn from our mistakes, and in the end, we are better for them.  Still, with every mistake we make, there is the chance that someone we love might get hurt, and therein lies the most regret.  So, while I wish I hadn't eaten those Oreo's, or decided to ride a bike in platform shoes, I wish most of all that I hadn't broken my sister's trust, made my dad think he was a poor father, or reminded my brother of his mistakes instead of acknowledging my own.  And what really amazes me, is that after all that, my family still loves me.  That to me, is a great blessing.  And so, while I might lay awake at night cringing at the thought of what I said to my mom that one time, on the day when that one thing happened, she probably doesn't even remember it.  At the very least, she has completely forgiven me.  So thank you mom...thank you to everyone in my family.  And hopefully, now that I'm "mature," you won't have as many sleepless nights.

The Reality Is....

Its amazing how often an experience comes along that humbles us and opens our eyes to the world just a little bit more.  It is human nature to focus and dwell on our own problems, turning ourselves inward in the hope of finding a solution.  Yet, when we really look around, we see that there is always someone whose suffering is worse than our own.  Yesterday, I received the news from my mother-in-law that a very good friend of the family is fighting a battle with cancer.  Suddenly, my troubles seem so small...

Everyone Goes Psycho Once in Awhile....Right?

I think everyone deserves to have a day once in awhile where they are free to scream out there frustrations, rave like a lunatic, and throw things against the wall...or the floor, whichever is harder.  Well, I think I've filled my crazy day quota for the year.  Last night, after a particularly emotional rollercoaster of a day, I cracked after my husband chose the worst time possible to tell me that my sister in law was pregnant.  After being married only FIVE MONTHS!!  Remember in my previous post how I admitted that having struggles getting pregnant made it especially hard for me to share in the celebration when some one else was blessed with their own little bundle of joy?...Yeah well....I gave birth to the huge green monster of jealousy.  I may or may not have broken a few things...and torn up a few things...and gone on a destructive rampage.  If I did, you'll never know.  Of course, afterward I cried over the things I ruined in my moment of "out of mind craziness."  Isn't that what always what happens?  You get mad, you break something, you cry about it, you get mad at how rash you were, you break something else....  Of course after a while I calmed down, and my husband much to my surprise still loved me...and was kind enough to crack a couple jokes about what had just happened.  Laughing always makes me feel better.  I find nothing soothes hurt better than a good long laugh.  It's the best way to break up fights to.  There you are, fighting with your husband, when someone passes gas to punctuate what they thought was going to be an arguement winning remark.  After that, its all giggles, and "I love you," and make up...stuff.  Works every time.  But back to my sister in law being pregnant thing.  I am now calm enough to offer my genuine congratulations, and also to apologize for letting my jealousy ruin what should have been exciting news.  If you read this, I am sorry, and I love you.  Congratulations hun, I know you will make an amazing mama!

Missing Out On Motherhood

If you are a woman who has spent your life imagining what it would be like to have a child, then you know how exciting it is when you finally decide that you are ready to make that leap. You are finally prepared to put yourself second. You are willing to make a child the number one priority in life. You are ready to get pregnant.
If you are a woman who has tried and tried and who has been unable to conceive, then you also know the veritable barrage of emotions that you encounter — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.
As a 21 year-old woman I have been married for almost two years to a wonderful man. I can hardly remember a time when I didn’t want to have children with him. I cannot remember a time at all, for that matter, when I didn’t daydream about being a mother. I feel very strongly that we are all on this planet for a very specific reason and I have always thought that my reason was being a mother.
Every woman in my family is like a fertility machine. They get pregnant the first time they try. They get pregnant every time they try. Imagine my surprise when after a year of trying I still wasn’t pregnant.
You might not think about it often, but it’s a relative shot in the dark. It is amazing how many people get pregnant unexpectedly, actually. It has to happen one of three or four specific days which are often hard to pinpoint for many women.
Frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the one time they have unprotected sex while I’m doing everything ever suggested by doctors, old wives tales, myths, and the woman down the street who has eight kids?
When you spend a year trying to conceive and are unable, it is often considered an early sign of infertility. You (and your partner) are then subjected to every test under the sun, most of which involve full or partial nudity in front of one or more people, often with legs spread in a very compromising position.
For many, these tests reveal very little. Some slight hormonal imbalances, a “barely” low count here or there. These things all result in orders to eat better, lose weight, and are more likely than not accompanied by some sort of medication that will throw your body into complete turmoil — in my case, starvation tempered by the fact that the sight of food makes me sick. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Oh, and did I mention the constant nausea?
Another year goes by. I start to feel guilty. My husband and I have always planned to have children. The doctors believe it is likely something in my body causing the problem. As a woman, if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that my husband does not hold even an ounce of contempt or blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness. They rear their ugly heads on a daily basis.
With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to have a child and cannot, you begin to begrudge the people around you the same happiness you want for yourself.
One of my best friends becomes pregnant. I am simultaneously happy for her and extremely bitter. Her baby shower is torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for her, I feel like a heinous person for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, including myself.
The kicker of all of this? Stress, they say, makes it harder to conceive. Right. No problem.
So here we are, almost two years with no results. I am on the cusp of having exploratory surgery to see if there is something being missed. Fertility treatments are not an option for us, two poor college students. Adoption would be wonderful… five years down the road after we can save up the $25,000+ that it would take.
It would be nice for this to have a happy ending like me writing in all bold letters “I’m pregnant!” I’m not. But, I can say that taking the time to explore the virtual tidal wave of emotions that I’ve gone through, and am still experiencing, has made them much easier to weather.
That’s the key, really — acknowledging that you are angry or sad or depressed. Once you do, you validate the feelings and they are no longer so desperate. I urge every woman or couple out there to do the same. Talk to each other. Talk to someone else. Write a blog. Whatever you do, know you are not the only one, even if it feels just that way.